What is your responsibility to your family?
(Post 6 of 8)
You may or may not have kids, but how you answer this will apply to every man, for every man is a part of a family, good, bad, or ugly. How do you understand yourself relative to your parents and your children, if you have them?
Another way of seeing this is discerning where you begin and your family members end. So, is the happiness of children the parents' responsibility? At one point, does your joy reside in the success and well-being of your children? Do you need specific outcomes in your children's lives for you to be ok? These questions test whether you are over-connected or under-connected to your children. If you are over-connected, you find your life in their lives. That may seem loving, but do you realize how much pressure they then feel? Also, who do they then follow if you are following them? Are you separate enough from them to challenge them and even show them by your own example what it means to live with vulnerability or courage in life? Some men are overconnected to their parents or their kids and live their lives in reaction to these very important people.
Some men live under-connected to their families.
This is the classic old-school 'mad men' approach, where children and wives were there to validate and obey the man. The man is responsible for being a financial provider, but everything else is up to the wife and the kids' simple obedience.
We saw the children of the 60s, 70s, and 80s rebel against that detached authoritarian approach. In contrast, we see the children of our generation struggle to launch and deal with hardship as their parents absorb all difficulties for them for the sake of their 'happiness.' Is it the children's happiness they solve for, or is it the parent's need for their children to be happy because they have grounded their entire sense of self in the emotional experience of their kids?
Is it more complicated than this? Yes, and tremendously so. This question, though, comes back to one idea: How will you relate to your family? Do you serve your family, giving your best to them? Are you owned by your family and their emotional ups and downs? Are you even connected to your family and the struggles they face?
